I have too much pride to admit the reality of things.
I’m tired of being alone.
I just wanna be able to say “I’m happy and content with my life.”
But as sad as it is, I’m not.
I think my problem is that I’m pretty much friends with everybody, but when it comes down to it, I can’t really go to any of them. Like I
fuck this shit its too hard to explain
Never be unappreciative of people who care about you. Don’t go looking for better. Don’t wait until they’re gone before you start appreciating them. Don’t lie on your bed realizing that in the time you need them the most, you don’t have them anymore because you were too stupid to realize that you were just pushing them away. Don’t be like me, don’t do what I did. Because now I’m just sitting here wishing I could take it all back. But I can’t.
At this point we’re close enough to the point where I can just say anything that’s on my mind to you, no bullshitting or anything. I can tell you everything, say anything to you, etc., but by doing this I always put you through shit or say things to you that you don’t deserve, most of the time subconsciously, just because you’re one of the only people that I can fully be myself with. But I feel like I still have to hold back, because I don’t want you getting tired of everything I say to you or the way I unintentionally treat you sometimes. You’re one of the only people that fully knows me. And that’s the reason why I’m scared to lose you. I feel like one day you’re gonna get really sick and tired of me and find someone better. I’m scared that the fact that I’m myself around you will be the thing that would eventually drive you away.
Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!
Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.
Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.
Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! i like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.
Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.
Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them.
Somebody will always love you. If you don’t think this is true, then you’re not paying close enough attention.
